spilt attraction model

Spilt Attraction 101 – The Law of Attraction

The spilt attraction model can be confusing. Here’s a trick to make it make sense so you can better understand others. Or maybe yourself!

Let’s start with the basics. SAM stands for the split attraction model. Fairly common in aro and ace communities, but by no means an a-spec exclusive term. Its a model that says sometimes sexual attraction and romantic attraction will be mismatched, or split

The model makes no judgment of what those combinations are. Nor does it favor any combination. People with matching attractions often don’t feel the need to double up on labels. It’s a completely opt-in way to help explain feelings. Or personally ignored in any situation the label wearer decides.

Its historical precedence goes back to the Greeks. Believed to be first used towards sexuality discussions by a gay advocate in the 1800s, and then reused by asexuals in the last twenty years or so. 

There is a long standing tug of where between groups over where aros fit, and has it’s own set of purity politics that follow. This article is not gossip explaining interpersonal community friction, at its core more queer theory specially on how a-spec communities organize.

I think all this tension, and often infighting, is the product of being upset with intersectionality. I personally find asexuality and aromantism’s twin like behavior and shared history a boon. It’s a ven diagram, that as far as I can tell, skews ace. And no other community probably overindexes aces as much as the aromantic one. Which creates a tension of ‘why can’t we have our own things’ as it does equally ‘why aren’t aro aces doing more for aros specifically.’ Mind you, I think the second is unfair. But the point I’m trying to make goes as follows.

I was listening to this philosopher and he said that humans often dissect to understand concepts. Spitting things apart, and apart, until you reach the atom. And then say aha an atom, the smallest thing, from the word which means cannot be spilit! And then, oh dear… we split the atom. Now there’s protons, neutrons, electrons, and then maybe there’s more things in there too, and hey what’s this quark I keep hearing about? And these dissections makes the world more complicated. You see this all the time as a complaint about the a-spec community. Why new words, why spilt attraction model, and so on.

Going back to our example, well maybe you were looking to heal what ails you and now people are talking about things on a cellular level. And don’t get me wrong, that sort of understanding is a net gain for doctors to help you. But the lgbtq communities whose sole goal is “people should be allowed to be who they are without limitation” makes such exact concepts on how to do that more complex. Now that’s as true for a-specs as anyone else.

But I feel like for a-spec people, some want to just pull an proton out without realizing the electromagnetic force that keeps the neutron nearby. And I find it deeply ironic that communities based on the acceptance over the lack of strong attraction, have trouble viewing two separate things, that often times share in lived history, share experiences, and by the changing of language which spilit a previous understanding of asexuality further to help make sure aromanticsm was not forgotten, do have an electromagnetic-like attraction to each other.

And honestly? That spilt and pull towards each other is not unique to asexuality. Maybe it’s telling that Karl Heinrich Ulrich invented the spilt attraction. This division to better see the communities parts, to further explain them in English this has been going on for a century now. While it is important to learn through the dissection of human sexuality, we mustn’t forget its complicated because humans make it so. This means it’s natural state isn’t complicated at all. It just is, like the grass just grows.

Learn more about asexual activism.

Rainbow Community

My Rainbow Community, ‘Tis of Thee

I wish I could quickly explain that rainbow community “spaces” are not geological territories based on land. The idea that queer people will abuse each other over this concept of a club that has no physical barriers is mine numbingly incorrect.

This dream of fully protecting a community from outsiders that would do it harm is a false one. “I want the rainbow community safe from people who have a privilege” is noble, but flawed.

We don’t kick cis people out because there’s trans people in the community. Nor do we kick white people out because there’s people of color in the community. We don’t kick abled people out because they’re disabled people in the community.

And this idea that we can even kick people out, at all, is a false one. Our communities are multiple communities, ranging in physical location, online platforms, and the idea of human categorization itself.

You can keep your interactions with the people you deal with as safe as you believe. Measured by whatever metric you believe in. But it is impossible to wholesale protect the community from all harm because you are not all knowing, all present, or responsible for anyone besides yourself.

Exclusion does not only fail because asexual‘s are inherently targeted by hetronormality. Exclusion fails because we are not one community, but the many. Liberation is not won on a single front. We are, and it is, endless.

You can no more protect the rainbow community and the people with in it from harm than a parent can protect their child from harm.

All you can do is be a loving environment in yourself and teach what you know so your child may protect themselves with or without your presence.

We never should never fool ourselves into thinking this is a country. There’s no authority, we are all equal, and while that makes organization harder at times it’s a constant reminder of all own worth.

Be sure to read more about asexual activism on our blog.

#BelieveAces Part 3: On abuse and asexuality

Let’s talk about abuse and asexuality and gender for my final thoughts for the #BelieveAces series.

I was talking with someone the other day, and we were having a very frank conversation about asexuality and the the abuse we faced in life. Awful things that got us targeted because we were both asexual. And this person kept saying things like, “you’re a girl, you get it”. A bunch of times. And this article holds no ill will or blame because I didn’t correct them for it. For a curious reason I’d like to explain.

Now this is based on my personal interactions with cis women. Trans people have every right to completely halt a conversation until they are properly seen. For me, I’ll sometimes allow it because these situations always show my ever fraying connection to “womanhood”, whatever that means. And makes me realize that whatever it does mean, I don’t feel it in such a literal way.

Interactions where I can nod along and agree to “I was targeted by men because I am asexual.” Are common. Let me say that first. They are so jarringly common that opening our ask box can be triggering. But the point I want to make is times when I am able to nod along, and say this is shared abuse because we were seen as women who were unavailable. That’s really the only connection to womanhood I do feel. But trauma bonding is not gender.

Bigots excuse abuse and asexuality as something else.

Sometimes abuse faced by asexuals is dismissed simply the abuse of women. A wildly dismissive thing because multiple genders are ignored. My ability to say “Being asexual made me a target” is honestly the only detail I like sharing. And by hearing cis women say the same thing is validating in a way. I get told often that any aggression I face is misdirected. But by listening to others stories reaffirms my own ability to clearly describe my own experiences and what caused it.

As a society we don’t listen to abuse victims, and when it comes to aces even less so. Same with trans stories. Because identity is treated as an excuse for detractors, not a factor. My assumed in-availability towards sexually entitled men connects me to women, and connects me to lesbians, and connects me to aces of all genders. 

While we all should be more aware not to assume gender of those we are talking too, I don’t really find this empathic reaction as a complete failure. Instead it should be a reminder that we are all people. All living in this society that only views us as binary and straight. 

– Roses from a digital typewriter
Be sure to share this series with anyone who might need to hear it.

Press Start Cover Reveal!

It’s here! (ノ◕ヮ◕)ノ*:・゚✧
This beautiful leap day I get to show off our newest book cover!!

Press Start Front Cover

It’s so cute! We wanted it to really showcase the story’s inspiration of Pokemon Go and other party games. The map is actually based on a cool area around where John lives. If you need a break from everything because the world sure is wild this year, you’re going to love this soft playful story.

I can also officially announce the release day of May 5th! The paperback and ebook version will have an exclusive chapter. Until then, be sure to add it on Goodreads!

Here’s the blurb if you want to learn more:

A new app has turned the whole world into an augmented playground. By reinventing up retro party games, HoloHeroes makes sure it has something for every player. However, Loren worries she’s been missing out. The death of her father and a move across the country makes it feel as though she has to start life over. As a sweet sixteen gift, Loren’s given Ghost Glasses, allowing her to be her own HoloHero. Local meetups serve as a jumping-off point to make new friends, find herself, and win cash prizes. But what started as casual fun turns into an accidental rivalry with a veteran champion of the game and a race towards the national stage.

 

#BelieveAces Asexual Label

#BelieveAces – Part One: Hard truths about asexuality

There are some hard truths about asexuality that we get in the Fuck Yeah Asexual ask box. It’s such a high volume. But we do our best to answer them all like a one on one conversation with someone. Occasionally, they there’s a curious statement. And if I’m really lucky, it will rattle a bigger thought forward. Something so big, and in need of a conversation.

Today, I introduce the #BelieveAces mini-series. Its goal is to show the endless amount of ways that people are not believing the community. That’s one of the first truths about asexuality you learn.

We have an FAQ, but there’s a question not on the list that’s just as popular. “People keep using this script when they talk to me. If I say something off book, I’m dismissed.”

It’s enough to fill a bingo card. “Oh, you haven’t met the right one.” “Oh, you’ll want kids someday.” “The abuse you face was caused by something else.” “Maybe you are just lying about what happened in the first place.”

The fact that abuse victims are not believed. Mixes in with the fact that bisexuals and asexuals have the highest rates of abuse. We must also consider the fact that ace communities over-index in having trans people.

There’s a culture of disbelief of our community from outsiders. That’s the hardest truth of asexuality.

The demands placed on asexuals and the wider queer community are so often an arbitrary bar. They demand that sexuality become performative. “Be out how we say. With the words we declare are okay.” Aces are told they must simultaneously have had sex. And abstain in order to know if it’s for them. Abuse, or mental illness, or anything that doesn’t make us a gold star individual is further used to not only undermine personally. But us as an identity. By treating asexuality, and being out, as a spectacle we will lose and have lost, so much to erasure.

People rarely discuss the reasons asexuals have sex. The occasional article about it usually frames the topic as a compromise for an allo partner. But still does not dig down to the why of the behavior. And there’s a ton of whys. I know my mods and I do our best to point out every reason. Including boredom. But widely? It’s a good day if asexuality isn’t treated exclusively as life long virginity.

The seemingly contradictory facets of asexual lives make it hard for aces to see themselves. It isn’t because aces aren’t diverse. It’s caused by disbelief on a large scale. The general social unawareness that asexuality is one thing. But there’s a culture of not pathologizing those who do.

Aces who marry are omitted. Historical figures with any known sexual history are excluded. Those who stayed chaste their whole life are still excused away. Some of this is done in bigotry. Some isn’t. That is why sharing our stories, and sometimes even the complications in facing compulsory sexuality and abuse are so important.

Even recent history is too easily forgotten is another one of those hard truths about asexuality.

Every single ace story has something important to add to the conversation. Each with their own intersections that connect us to others.

The spark of this article was an ask that said: “I think asexuals are more present than others.” On the surface that can find sound like the 1960s line: “If we give up men, we will have more time for the revolution!” But one of the hard truths about asexuality, it’s context had a spin on the idea that put a spotlight on the assumed.

A highly specific and particular ace point of view that unifies every ace. A-spec people aren’t really playing at anything in social situations, at least not the same love games as everyone else.

This isn’t a problem either. An asexual point of view can actually help people be more present in certain moments. The harmful lies of heteronormativity, compulsory sexuality, and amatonormality can be further disproved by our existence at the table already.

Not only does this help asexuals be aware of their choices when navigating through their own lives, a feat more distracting than it is a time-saver, but our collective possibility helps to point out that falsely assumed. Asks people to throw away their social scripts of harm systems, and may allow people to become more fully present in their own choices in the hopes that their life is liberated. That it becomes lived by their own design.

Maybe A stands for more than our identities.

It as easily could be for Anarchy. For that’s the accidental call of any a-spec person. The last of today’s hard truths about asexuality. Live your life without needing any authority besides your own wishes. Find your absolute freedom of self. This is not a truth unique to our community, but the heart of any revolution.

– Roses from a digital typewriter

Start reading Part Two: The Refusal To Accept Labels

LGBTQ Mircolabels – The Address of Your Soul

LGBTQ Mircolabels are much talked about. In this short article, I’ll explain how looking at identity labels as addresses is a really good way methodology. And how we can’t forget that LGBTQ mircolabel’s focus on intersectionality is not only normal, but actually a healthy thing.

I’ve always loved the term intersectionality. I think it’s a brilliant word that gives you a visual right off the bat. It was coined black feminist scholar Kimberlé Williams Crenshaw in 1989.

“Stay in your lane” also fits this instantly understandable visual. While to me it sounds like AAVE, the earliest date for the metaphor from 1972 and largely something football players would hear from coaches to remind them to focus on their own task on the field. In recent years, it means to stick to your area of expertise.

Sports metaphors and black feminist theory don’t often overlap. But we can take these visuals metaphor further to explain a large number of problems I see daily in the queer community.

LGBTQ Mircolabels vs Umbrella terms

Often times people feel they have to choose between the two and if they pick an umbrella term it’s either a lie or holding something back. But we‘d all be much better served by looking at these two things as part of the same address.

Some people very much identify with their state. New Yorkers for example. In this case, New York refers to both the city and the state. For many, that’s enough. It’s all people need to know, but others may use a micro-label as a stamped letter that uses a street address or a zipcode to be even more precise.

Which parts of your ‘address’ you tell someone greatly depends on the situation. The info you share on with someone out of the country will differ from the info you share with people in your apartment building. One doesn’t supersede the other.

While you might know where you are, other people are lost in a big city and need the exact words right down to the GPS coordinates in order to find themselves, each other, or call for specific help. This sort of location pinpointing saves lives. As valuable as that information is, plenty of people will never need to get that specific in their daily lives. Those details still exist even if they aren’t known, mentioned, or are grouped as one.

A lie I often hear is that LGBTQ microlabels prohibit change, hide your “real” identity, or other assimilation type lies. I have people come to me all the time worrying about labeling wrong. They want a label, they knew what feels like them, they even recite the definition of the word, but… what if…

And my answer is always, “and what if?” If it feels like home then that’s where you should be right now. And if for any reason it stops feeling like home, there shouldn’t be shame in “moving” to a new address. It doesn’t make your first address fake. You lived there for a time, and even if it wasn’t fully “your address” it was enough of a safe place for you to grow. Some people move often. Others don’t. There shouldn’t be any stigma in it.

In order for a soul to be free, it must have the ability to move or stay put as it desires. Be able to build a nest as intricate or as simple as they want. Labeling is no different. Even if it takes years or micro-labels to get everything just right.

When we are limited to “gay or straight” that is not freedom. LGBTQ mircolabels says these are all the intersections I cross. It makes assimilation harder because it’s a reminder that no identity is just one thing. Society just ignores labels that are in power.

Our truths will never be nurtured if we refuse to admit a forest is made out of individual trees. On average there are around 3,700 trees in an acre, each a little different than the one next to it. In that same group, there are nearly 70 different species of trees. Why would humans be any less diverse?

Do you need to learn every about tree or address in the phone book to be a decent person? Absolutely not. But it‘s dangerous, to others, to run out in the middle of the street bemoaning that certain words exist because you refused to stay in your lane when pulling up to an intersection.

Need more queer theory in your life? Check out our asexual activism tag!

🌹Rose Reviews: Asexual Erotics

Asexual Erotics

Asexual Erotics, as you can imagine, discusses erotics with a focus on asexuality. The focus is how the meaning of erotic had changed since Freud. How more modern queer theorists define it to mean more than simply the “sexual”. Packed for with historical examples of black and lesbian activism. The great thing about about hitting such a specific note is this discussion is all but nonexistent elsewhere. It asks what are we missing when we make ‘erotic’ be a single note.

The book definitely is not an introduction to asexuality.

It’s strong academic voice at times. This makes some points less clear than they could have been. If you hang around queer spaces and think your life could use more theory or history. Maybe even wish those discussions tossed in of human development. Then this is definitely the sort of book to pick up. 

The book also does a good job explaining how white women were rewarded for being “sexually liberated”. While in the same decade, people of color were punished in a number of ways. For even the appearance of the same. By doing so, this book showcases that social change is not an absolute for all people. But varies along intersectional lines.

The book also goes over ‘political celibacy’. Why it exists, how it often differs across race, and why it’s often grouped under asexuality history. Dig in to find out why those groups are so casually always put together, and glossed over. 

My criticism about Asexual Erotics? The chapters on childhood and ageism could have been combined for a stronger point. Instead of a vague “this is a thing that people debate about” tone. The epilogue featuring the discussion of violent entitled sexism felt like an afterthought more then an ending note. 

Despite my less than rave review for those chapters, overall the book left with me plenty. New ideas and history nearly lost to time. Things to consider when discussing how complete freedom can be gained for all. Here’s a few quotes I haven’t posted on our social media accounts.

“It is only through asexuality that a sufficient critique of compulsory sexuality as limiting to people across spectrums and different positionalities can be developed.” 

“Where there is queerness there is also asexuality.”
– Asexual Erotics 

Curious to read more? You can get your own copy here! If fiction is more your style, check the rest of our Rose Reviews series here.

My New Book Deal:

I’m still excited from Suicide By Ghost’s release a few months ago, but I got more news today! It’s honestly the news I hoped people knew were coming every since Creative Aces Publishing signed Jonathan Lopez. Our newest, PRESS START is such a cute story about having fun while healing. I think it’s going to feel like a breath of fresh air for everyone.

Here’s a transcript of the publishing announcement:

PRESS START from Rose Sinclair and Jonathan Lopez, a lighthearted novel pitched as Yuri On Ice meets Pokemon Go, in which Loren, a queer teen with a pension for creative problem solving when it comes to a new augmented reality gamed called Holo Heroes, is set for publication Summer 2020 by us at Creative Aces Publishing.

🌹 Rose Reviews: Waking Up The Sun

Waking Up The Sun ebook and cat

Waking Up The Sun front loads a protagonist who has anxiety and has already learned ways to cope with it. It mentions magic almost right away too, but my favorite part of that is that a potion is considered magic instead of just having a spell go “cure” him. It’s a great bit of world building I wish more things had. Having a lead character who has to consider their racing thoughts and find medicine because that’s part of their basic needs is so a plot point, instead of a casual one off line. That’s amazing to see.

Around the 20% mark you see the consideration of being lost in the woods and having to wash your clothes. These are such small things that most writers just ignore because they think it will ruin— whatever. But these are the exact things that makes Waking Up The Sun real and something that feels new.

The only criticism I have of this was I thought the writing could be tighter. Sometimes I thought why is this being mentioned now, or at all. It may not be the best read for the sex repulsed for similar reasons but maybe this review can serve as your content warning.

With that said, this book is why I like to read from LGBTQ authors, generally found from small publishers. They have a number of important things that aren’t found elsewhere. Both men in the pairing are sweet. Awkward only in an realistic way instead of being an often sexist adorkable trope. I think my favorite thing is how much they check in with each other, ask if the other is okay.

[Learn more or buy your own copy here.]

Waking Up The Sun

If you like our quick book reviews, be sure to check out more from the rose garden archive.

Creative Aces Publishing Is Live!

Publishing news isn’t rare, but making an announcement yourself is, and I’m so thrilled to say I have some news today!

Creative Aces Publishing was a brainchild I first had in 2015, and thanks to other aces over the years we published two community projects: What You See, an art book featuring two dozen aces, and Unburied Fables, an LGBTQ charity anthology benefiting The Trevor Project.

If you heard of us before, here’s how we’ve changed since then. Unlike other indie publishers, we seek to build from a community standpoint. Not only saying we put authors first, but also paying them a highly competitive rate unheard of for a group so small. Offering upwards of 50% royalty, and sometimes even an author advance.

As a full-service publisher, authors can also expect a professional looking cover design, comprehensive editing, a personalized marketing plan, training and support as an author from signing and beyond at no cost.

All made possible by a slow and steady mentality that makes sure you don’t get lost in a sea of other authors. Because of this, we aren’t currently open for submissions, but already have signed authors and will be making more announcements soon.

If you have any questions please contact us at info@creativeacespublishing.com.

Here’s what this means for anyone who knows me personally, I’ve been dealt a hand of cards that allows me to take the project to a level I always wanted and make it a full-fledged publisher.

I’ve been working for various publishers since 2015, and love helping authors. But I also see areas where many barely even get a chance because of factors around their disability or identity. As the company’s co-founder and creative director, I can’t fix the industry as a whole, but I can set a standard I believe in. One who’s core goal takes pride in creating art and supporting those artists.